somehow i knew, before i decided to voyage on the journey of you and me, that love will hurt. and now it really does. but im still hanging on ever so tightly even thought it hurt me so deeply. yes, its really ironic that we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, love the ones that hurt us and hurt the ones that love us. i admit i did that. but after hurting the one i love, i get hurt too. now that to me is love. i feel your pain, cry your tears, smile your smile and laugh your laughter. im everything that you are and your the world all by yourself. when it comes to relationship, i would fall, hurt myself and never want to love again. but this change when i found you 13 months back. i never wanted to love again, but i did. the feelings was something to be celebrated but the pain of loving is something that i wanna release. when i asked you to name me one thing that is mine that belongs to you, you answered my heart. it left me speechless for a couple of minute cos' it never came across my mind that there was something of me that has always been with you. im dumb for letting that slip my mind. im dumb for asking such a stupid question and i'm dumb for not reacting to you answer. on sunday, something happened between us. a chemistry we have never felt before. having you lying down sleeping in the same room as me. waking up to your smile and the touch of your hand. something else happened between us- i admit it was my mistake and it will never happen again. it felt so wrong yet it felt so right. everynight before i close my eyes to sleep, i thought of you and what happened. i'll smile but then the next thing that came to my mind is SHIT, WHAT HAVE I DONE! it re-occurs every night in my head. we fought a few days back about something that i do without telling you and have been treating you cold for several times. but you know me well enough that if suddenly i treated you cold, there is something wrong or a problem that im going through. and i'm not the type of person that likes sharing about my problems, even to my closest. and i hope you understand.

yesterday you told me that you failed your physics. i got angry at myself and blamed myself for not helping you with your studies. i blame myself for letting you play too much. i got angry at myself that i started smoking heavily again. but when i calmed down and message you to try and work things out, you treated me so cold. i dont know what to do. i spend the whole day at work staring at my computer and doing typically nothing because all that is in my head is you. everything i do every word i type, i think of you. you didnt text me the whole day today. and im afraid to text you because i know what you are feeling right now. but why is this happening to us? didn't we use to be so close and so loving. what happened? im still searching for the answer and i hope i'll find it soon.

i love you so much and i dont want to lose you the way i did previously